I created this blog two years ago. I posted only two posts, one of which was embarrassingly whiney and petty of me, the other having some potential, but still worthy of deletion.

I am starting fresh, and I suppose this is my introverted attempt at being social.. on the internet. However, something I've learned within the past few years is to put myself in uncomfortable situations, this being one of them. Still reading? I'm going to show you the best uncomfortable time you've ever had, my friend.

Now that we're friends, I want to tell you about my animal theory. It's the best way I know how to describe myself. As Shakespeare once said, "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Or shall I compare thee to a green lizard?"
He didn't really say that, actually.

If I were an animal, I've narrowed it down to two possiblities:

Chameleon. And by chameleon, I mean a small, slow-moving Old World lizard with a prehensile tail, long extensible tongue, protruding eyes that rotate independently, and a highly developed ability to change color.

Yes. That is me. 
My eyes do protrude and have been known to rotate independently. Just ask my friends from my 7th grade Orchestra class. 

I do change color and I'm also a lizard.

But not just any lizard, I am a Veiled Chameleon. 

Wikipedia goes on to say that, depending on the animal's emotional state, their skin will vary from a bright lime green to a red olive drab. When veiled chameleons are stressed, they often display strong coloration including bright yellow and sometimes even black. Surroundings only partly contribute to a chameleon's "decision" to change color.

First of all.. how do you know if the chameleon is stressed? Did you ask it? Did you sit down to coffee and discuss the latest advances in astronomical science? Did you post this conversation on youtube? You should. Because I'd like to see that shit. And by 'you' I mean a Herpetologist. 

Secondly, the latter bit of Wikipedia's description is really why I'm a veiled chameleon, more to come on this theory in later.

Verdin.  A small songbird with a gray body and yellowish head, found in the semideserts of southwestern North America. They are usually solitary except when they pair up to construct their inconspicuous nests. Verdins occasionally try to obtain tidbits of dried sugar water from hummingbird feeders. 

If I were a tiny bird, those are exactly the kinds of things I would do. In fact, I particularly enjoy a good green tea with big sugar granules in it. When you're all done with the tea, there is a crunchy, sugary snack waiting at the bottom. Bliss, I tell you. I also think I'm kind of yellowish, which obviously makes me at least a close relative to a Verdin. But mostly, I'm quite solitary, and have paired up with the only other bird I know who understands the nature of this solitude. More on that theory later. 

Being a chameleon, a Verdin, and a socially acceptable human being is damn near impossible. It's like a lawyer getting a soul transplant; it just doesn't happen. But I am here to tell you that it does because, well, I am here and I am very happening. 

Now that we're well acquainted, I'd like to tell you that David has spent the last half hour in the bathroom talking to himself. He just walked out of the bathroom and said, "I was talking to the people in the mirror who piss me off."
And this, my newest, uncomfortable friend, is why he's my bird.

Ode- to introversion, animals, and lawyers.